


some truths get tired the longer we wait

by ShakyHades



Series: Atlas [9]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Anakin's lies and secrets catch up with him, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Heavy Angst, Multi, Not A Fix-It, Oops., RotS angst, Unrequited Love, and it's all Driver's fault mark my words, do I need to say anything else?, everyone suffers a lot, i tried to make it happy, realized it was impossible, then i just didn't care
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-06-04 10:03:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6653440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShakyHades/pseuds/ShakyHades
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lies are easy to build up, but they become stifling with time and quantity, until one wants to tell the truth but is simply unable to do so, unable to stop the avalanche they know is coming to punish them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	some truths get tired the longer we wait

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Driverpicksthemooseic (Ratkinzluver33)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ratkinzluver33/gifts).



> Title taken from South, by Sleeping At Last.  
> The need to write a story hit me, and what better than to write a fic inspired by a music about truths and lies centered on Anakin?  
> This became RotS angst, and Driverpicksthemooseic is an enabler, goddammit. I'm not one to write pure angst, I live for happy endings, but she kept telling me to write more suffering.  
> I knew this would need to have Padmé/Anakin from the beginning, but my Obikin shipper heart refused to be left unnoticed.  
> So have a good time suffering with this, and feel free to point any mistakes.

Sometimes, Anakin wondered where, exactly, his life became full of lies. Was it when he married Padmé? Or when he started dreaming of his mother’s death? Maybe it was the day he left Tatooine, or the day he arrived at the Temple. He could never be sure of where it all went south, when he started lying to everyone, including himself.

They are like a cloud of smoke on his mind, suffocating, leaving him lost in the darkness, trying to find a glimpse of truth to guide him back to safety. They have become a part of his everyday life, making him feel dirty and nauseous, disgusted with himself.

Anakin looks to Obi-Wan, his former Master and greatest friend, one he has become steadily distant from, a consequence of too many secrets and unspoken feelings, and wonders if there even is a way to go back to way it was. All the times he tried to talk with him, the words that should come from his heart get lodged on his throat, and Anakin can’t help but swallow them back and present a pretty, petty lie as explanation.

He knows Obi-Wan is always open and willing to listen. He knows his former Master mourns the easy companionship they fought so hard to achieve on the beginning of the war, the same one that seems to constantly slip through his fingers, no matter how hard Anakin tries to stop it. 

And Padmé, his sweet, loving Padmé, only adds one more secret, one more lie to the pile. He is happy that she is pregnant, of course, but it only creates more trouble. How are they to hide their relationship when there is a baby on the way, and a war going on?

Anakin knows Padmé suffers, too, with their life of lies, but she takes it with far more grace than he. Although an honest one, she is still a politician, and dealing with lies is a job requirement. 

But his occupation as a Jedi requires him to be open to the Force, a vessel through which it can pass freely and without obstacles, and yet they keep building against his will. There are times he wants nothing other than to run to Obi-Wan and free himself of every lie he has ever told, no matter how small, but he can never muster the courage to do so. Instead, he goes to the shower and scrubs his skin raw, feeling as if there is dirt under his skin.

Anakin watches Obi-Wan move through life, and his eyes fool him into thinking the man has no baggage. He knows that to be incorrect, he knows that his Master has his fair share of pain and suffering, and only wishes he could carry himself like Obi-Wan does.

Maybe it all started when he fooled himself into believing he could marry Padmé and keep being a Jedi. Maybe it started when his hormones kicked in and suddenly he couldn’t look at Obi-Wan without his stomach trying to tie itself into knots, and tried to convince himself it was only a simple crush, a normal thing, logical even, due to the long periods of time spent together, and that it would go away within weeks. Maybe it was when he got to the Temple after becoming a Padawan and turned into the subject of whispers and angry looks, the reason for scoffs and insults, and made himself believe it didn’t hurt. Maybe it was when he left his mother behind as a slave on Tatooine and thought he’d be fine without the one person that loved and cared for him when no one else would.

In the end, it doesn’t matter. The starting point notwithstanding, it all leads back to the same place: not unlike a snowball, it slides on the steep slope that is his life, growing bigger with every meter, every year, an avalanche, until there is no hope of escape.

The fact remains that he has killed unarmed and defenseless people on the grounds of revenge, even though he knows better. He had no excuse for it, since it was something that could not be blamed on the war.

His dreams of Padmé only make it worse. This time, he knows it will not fade away. This time, he knows it to be a vision of the horrors to come, and fear takes his heart, surrounding it on an impenetrable cage of durasteel so thick that even his lightsaber wouldn’t be able to cut through it.

Still, he finds no help with the Jedi. His lies and secrets stifle him, preventing him from being truthful with Master Yoda, to at least try to make him understand why he cannot let her go. He leaves no wiser than he came, although more desperate. 

When Obi-Wan is assigned to pursue General Grievous on Utapau, the cage around his heart grows thicker still. He knows deep within himself that he should be with his Master, to protect him and watch his back, and is almost overwhelmed with the need to follow him, going against the orders he was given. He stops himself just in time, but it stays around him like a toxic mist.

Tendrils of truth escape from his lips as they speak before Obi-Wan departs. Anakin tells of his frustration with the Council, apologizes for his arrogance, all while watching his Master closely. Obi-Wan only smiles fondly and tells him how proud he is of what Anakin has become. He feels bile rise to his throat while hearing it, his mind screaming about how wrong Obi-Wan is, but he lives for the smiles and touches his Master gives him.

When he says that Anakin has become a greater Jedi than he could ever hope to be, Anakin finds himself unable to keep looking at him and lowers his head, hard pressed to keep himself from vomiting, the self-disgust he feels translating itself into nausea.

Then he watches Obi-Wan walk away with a heavy heart, somehow feeling like that moment was the end of something. 

He feels dirty for thinking of the Sith legend the Chancellor told him about while walking amidst the Temple, so he hurries to leave and return to Padmé’s apartment. His days become a blur, his fear and worry becoming even more powerful with each hour’s passing. 

When they receive word that Obi-Wan has found Grievous and is on his way to engage, his heart nearly stops. That  _ thing _ was the one to kill a great number of Jedi, and Anakin’s head suddenly becomes a symphony of regret, fear and worry, with the constant thought of  _ I should be there with him. _

He is the one tasked to present the news to the Chancellor, and the man’s subtle doubt of Obi-Wan’s abilities to win only heightens his fear. He starts to pace, too much on his mind, desperately checking his frayed bond with his Master to assure himself that Obi-Wan is still alive. 

But then Palpatine starts to talk about the Jedi, and Anakin knows the Council doesn’t trust him. They hide things from him, think him unworthy, even though he is more skilled with the Force than any of them. It makes his skin crawl, and the Chancellor’s agreement does nothing to stop it. Just when he thinks it couldn’t get worse,  _ it does _ .

To realize that the Sith Lord they had been searching for years was the Chancellor of the Republic made Anakin’s head spin. He was scared to think about the implications of that, the power the man must have. Palpatine, though, was as always, very skilled with words. Soon, he had Anakin thinking of Padmé and his worry for her, implying that only he could save his love.

Trying to make sense of it, to decide what to do, and the consequences of it all almost gave Anakin a headache. His devotion to Padmé and his commitment to the Order left him torn, and the fact that he wasn’t sure of where the Council stood didn’t help matters. He could feel his mind screaming as he decided to turn him in, and tried to ignore it.

But in the end, the need to save Padmé was too great. His regret could never be measured, but in that moment, he decided that everything was a small price to pay in exchange of her life, and of their baby. So he killed and killed, and tried not to dwell on it, to remove his conscience from it, to no avail. A continuous chant, reminding him of the reason to all of it kept playing on his head.

When he saw his former Master on the ramp of Padmé’s ship, he saw red. How could she betray him, even after all he was doing for her and their family? In his rage, he acted on instinct and choked her, while a part of his mind screamed continuously.

He didn’t wish to fight Obi-Wan. He didn’t want to go against him, to duel him with their lives on the line. He desired simply for Obi-Wan to agree with him and stand by his side, help him rule the galaxy with Padmé and his child, leave all else behind. But he had been with the Jedi for too long. His resolve would not cave in.

And so, with regret and great suffering, he attacks. As they move, matching blow for blow, his anger starts to take over, the darkness growing with every failed attempt to hurt Obi-Wan, the ideas Sidious planted on his mind taking root and growing fast. He starts aiming to kill or maim severely, stops caring for the hurt expression the man he loved in secret wears. 

When Obi-Wan cuts his legs and left arm, Anakin dies, and only Vader remains. Vader is incapable of caring, knows only anger and hate towards this incredible man Anakin once called Master with pride. His words mean nothing, his talks of prophecies and destiny, all of it only serves to increase Vader’s rage.

So he screams, makes his hate known, and doesn’t care about how the breaking of Obi-Wan’s heart shows on his bearded face, his gorgeous eyes, filled with grief. At that moment, he doesn’t care even about Padmé, the reason for all he has done.

Vader starts screaming when the lava licks at the stumps his legs used to be and is helpless to stop the fire from consuming his body. He doesn’t notice as Obi-Wan walks away, terrified and filled with so much regret that it floats around him, trails behind him.

His true Fall started with revenge, back all those years ago, with his mother, and then with Count Dooku.

And revenge he will continue to take, until there is nothing left.


End file.
